Saturday, July 19, 2008

Here's My Heart--Sleeve and All

The other day I wrote about how things seemed to go awry when ever I decided to wax poetic about my successes. I had some commiserators, kind words, and prayer offerings. All welcome. I should have known, however, that that day was going to fall short. Mostly because the first word I uttered that morning was a curse word. Miranda woke up all ready to go at 6am. This is early for me on a regular day. But recall that Duncan was up until 11:30 the previous night. It's like they're conspiring against me. Of course, if they realized that sleepy mommy=cranky mommy, maybe they would conspire together to get mommy to bed earlier. My mommy meet up didn't really work out to my satisfaction. I had to leave early so Duncan wouldn't trash the bookstore. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I don't cry about Evan every day anymore, but I cried that day. A lot. I never know when a wave of grief is going to take me down. So many different things can stir up my emotions. I saw a program on PBS earlier in the week. It was a fictional mystery that takes place during WWII. The character had lost both sons in the war, and had just recently lost her husband. She said she couldn't grieve, because she was dead inside. Wow. I also saw an Oprah program recently about loss. The parents of a girl who died as a result of a drunk driver basically said they haven't had any happy days since she died. They kind of said, "What's the point?" They had at least one other child who survived. I thought to myself, "I don't want this to be me." But I'm having a hard time seeing beyond the pain. I'm crazy about my surviving children, but it still hurts so much. How can I grieve and heal, and be a good mommy?


skoots1mom said...

DOES JESUS CARE? (song by Frank Graeff)
Does Jesus care when my heart is pained too deeply for mirth and song; as the burdens press and the cares distress, and the way grows weary and long?

Does Jesus care when my way is dark with a nameless dread and fear? As the daylight fades into deep night shades, does He care enough to be near?

Does Jesus care when I've tried and failed to resist some temptation strong; when for my deep grief I find no relief,though my tears flow all the night long?

Does Jesus care when I've said goodbye to the dearest on earth to me; and my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks, is it aught to Him? Does He see?

Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares, His heart is touched with my grief when the days are weary, the long nights dreary, I know my Savior cares.

1 Peter 5:7 Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for YOU!

HOW DO WE "CAST" OUR CARES ON HIM? It's found in the word CAST--

C = commit your burden to the Lord.
He values His creation more than we do, and He has the power to do what we can not.

A = Ask for His help in prayer.
Phil. 4, let your needs be
known to God.

S = Search the Scriptures...God has
a promise for EVERY need.

T = Trust Him, for He does care me and you...His Son died for us to be with Him in Glory...where we WILL see Him and our loved ones on the other side of that East Gate!

When I acke for my DADDY and Granny, these words have helped me deal with their not being here any longer...yet, I cry, too. All my love,

(paraphrased from the book, THEN SINGS MY SOUL, by Robert Morgan)

Amy said...

How can you grieve and heal, and be a good mommy? I think you're doing it. You're a great mommy. And it sounds like you are healing -- you said you don't cry every day anymore, that seems huge to me. Probably you'll never finish grieving, but honestly I think you are amazing for just being able to function.

Duncan and Miranda know you love them. That means you're a good mommy.

frogonthefly said...

I think you're a good mommy and I agree with Amy that you are on the healing path. I would like to add that there will always be things that trigger or stir up our wounds (whatever they may be). But one day, instead of only seeing the negative side, you will also be able to accept how you feel, know that it's okay you feel that way, and now that tomorrow will be a better day. As someone likes telling's seeing all the pieces of the pie and not just one piece. Seeing all of the blessings and not just the bad.
Smile....we all love you!

sherrie said...

How can you be a good mommy? Sweetie, you are so hard on yourself you can't even see that you are a wonderful mom. Your kids are so cherished, and they know that(or will, when they can know anything!), and Evan absolutely knew it. They won't remember the time or two you got impatient with them, they'll remember you playing with them, rolling on the floor and being silly together, hugging them, kissing their boo-boos and comforting them, and most of all the incredible environment of love you've created in your home.

Anonymous said...

I would be proud to be even half the mommy you are. love, Lala

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful mommy. You and Justin give your children such love and security..otherwise how could they be content and happy when you're not with them each minute..they know you'll be there when they return.You are very hard on yourself. You are loved,and you share your love with everyone you meet.God knows the grief of losing a beloved son, and He is near in your grief. Imagine His loving arms around you.