Saturday, July 19, 2008
Here's My Heart--Sleeve and All
The other day I wrote about how things seemed to go awry when ever I decided to wax poetic about my successes. I had some commiserators, kind words, and prayer offerings. All welcome. I should have known, however, that that day was going to fall short. Mostly because the first word I uttered that morning was a curse word. Miranda woke up all ready to go at 6am. This is early for me on a regular day. But recall that Duncan was up until 11:30 the previous night. It's like they're conspiring against me. Of course, if they realized that sleepy mommy=cranky mommy, maybe they would conspire together to get mommy to bed earlier. My mommy meet up didn't really work out to my satisfaction. I had to leave early so Duncan wouldn't trash the bookstore. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I don't cry about Evan every day anymore, but I cried that day. A lot. I never know when a wave of grief is going to take me down. So many different things can stir up my emotions. I saw a program on PBS earlier in the week. It was a fictional mystery that takes place during WWII. The character had lost both sons in the war, and had just recently lost her husband. She said she couldn't grieve, because she was dead inside. Wow. I also saw an Oprah program recently about loss. The parents of a girl who died as a result of a drunk driver basically said they haven't had any happy days since she died. They kind of said, "What's the point?" They had at least one other child who survived. I thought to myself, "I don't want this to be me." But I'm having a hard time seeing beyond the pain. I'm crazy about my surviving children, but it still hurts so much. How can I grieve and heal, and be a good mommy?