Sunday, June 3, 2007

Little Boy Lost

I sit here trying to think of what to say. My subject matter is heavy, yet I look over at this picture of Evan, and I can't help but smile. It's bittersweet. My son Evan died on November 24, 2006, just 20 days after this picture was taken. I typed the Title : "Little Boy Lost," but maybe it should be Mommy Lost. I do feel lost without my little guy. While we have incredible memories of this wonderful little boy, it's still too soon to forget the pain. I don't know that we'll ever forget the pain. I imagine we'll just learn to live with it.

Evan contracted Bacterial Meningitis (Streptococcus pneumoniae) after having an undiagnosed ear infection. He didn't start acting sick until it was too late. He was admitted to Scottish Rite Children's Hospital on Tuesday, November 21. We were confident we had caught it in time, but each day brought grim news, and on Friday the doctors removed Evan from life support. He died in our arms.

One difficult thing for me was that life goes on after a loved one dies. We got home from the hospital or later after the funeral and the world had moved on. I thought, "Why isn't everyone else grieving? How dare they not stop and mourn this little boy!" But now, six months later, our lives have gone on, too. We haven't forgotten Evan, because the pain is so real, so fresh. But I have gotten used to the quiet. I've gotten used to having one child instead of two. I don't like it. In fact, I hate it.

One thing, or I should say, one person who is helping me get through the grief process is Duncan, my 1 year old son. Duncan is a happy, smiley little boy. He's really a joy. Justin, my husband, has also been great. We lean on each other quite a bit.
Gardening has been my therapy. I created Evan's Garden in memory of Evan, and I also have a butterfly/hummingbird garden. I found a neat idea to incorporate plant cultivars named after your deceased loved one and plant them in your garden. For example: I have planted Evan Saul Echinacea and Evan Matthew Dahlia. I have also purchased Duncan's Smiling Eyes Bearded Iris. Maybe I'll get a Pam and Justin plant one day, and make it a family affair.


Joe & Beth said...

Hey sweetie - many hugs to you all. I only met sweet Evan a couple of times, but I still hold him close to my heart.

Amy said...

I tried to tamper with my post and then found out I could only delete it... Here it is again...

You act fast on the whole blog thing. I've been indecisive for months!
That's a cute picture of Evan. Silly smile!

For what it's worth Craig and I still mourn Evan. We only met him a few times too but every now and then Craig will have been all quiet for a while and then say, "I was just thinking about Evan."

Anyway, nice to see you blogging.